A Stupid, Messed Up Parody
by Chocofreakazoid
Summary: Ron's an idiot, Ginny's a slut, Hermione's emo, Draco's a sex god and Harry... is just Harry. Thrown in Mary Sue and what do you get? A Stupid, Messed Up Parody! REVIEW PLEASE!
1. Chapter 1

**VERY IMPORTANT AUTHORS NOTE, YOU MUST READ:**

Ok people, this is a parody. Expect to see everyone OOC and acting strangely for humours sake. If you like Draco/Hermione-Luna-Pansy-Ginny and will be very offended if I bash certain plotlines that I've seen (not pairings), **don't read further **unless you have a sense of humour. Same thing with Severus/Hermione. Same thing if you've written about over-used concepts like _Harry's Long Long Sister! _or_ ZOMG So-and-so's Pregnant!_ There, if you wish to venture forth into the world of random unknowns, at least you are prepared. I merely compiled my fanfiction pet peeves into a parody to show how I see certain ideas authors in the past used. **DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY **because I'm not looking to start a war, merely hoping it will correct many common, annoying errors in other peoples work so I can enjoy reading them more. Some pet peeves are more subtle than others. And keep in mind I have made fun of everyone, even my favourite characters for our entertainment. There is dirty humour here, thought I'd let the innocents know. Happy Reading! :)

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Harry Potter or Harry Potter Puppet Pals... sigh...

--

**A Stupid, Messed Up Parody**

It was a typical Saturday at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. The sun was shining brightly; the sky was cloudless, clear and blue. Birds were chirping cheerfully and you could distinctly see Hagrid the gamekeeper stumping across the grounds from the school. Inside, Harry, Ron and Hermione made their way downstairs to the Great Hall for breakfast.

"Hey Gin," said Harry, as they ran into Ginny Weasley. Today, she was wearing a set of skin-tight black robes that outlined the contours of her body perfectly. Her demeanour seemed to have changed over-night from the sweet modest girl to the out-spoken, attitude-showing girl.

Ginny tossed her fiery red hair in annoyance. "Urgh! Stop _calling_ me 'Gin'! I am _not_ an alcoholic drink, for Merlin's sake! Isn't 'Ginny' short enough for you lazy ass? Who came up with this stupid nick-nickname anyway?! How you would feel if I called you 'Har' ALL THE TIME?!"

"Sorry," muttered Harry hastily. "So, what's up?"

"I've got a date with Draco Malfoy. We are so compatible seeing as we're both _sooo_ emo," said Hermione smugly. She too was dressed rather oddly, in a pair of artfully torn black jeans and a blood red t-shirt. Her nails had been painted black and she seemed to have plugged her ears in with a pair of earphones, connected to the latest I-pod nano. Her hair was straight, sleek and streaked with red. There was no other word for it; she was hot.

Ginny looked outraged. "What do you mean by that?! _I_ have a date with Draco! Tonight!"

"No you don't! He's taking me to the Weird Sisters concert. How could he have a date with you?"

"Well there he is," said Ginny, emphasizing each syllable. She pointed to the back of a white blonde head, dressed quite like Hermione. She grabbed Hermione's wrist and dragged her towards Malfoy. Harry blinked.

"Since when did they fraternize with my enemy? And how on Earth does Hermione have an I-pod? They're not going to be invented for another five years... besides, Hermione's the one who said that stuff doesn't work here," said Harry looking mildly interested, staring off after Ginny. "What do you think, Ron? …Ron?"

Ron looked around, realizing Harry was speaking to him.

"Eh? What?"

Meanwhile, Ginny and Hermione stormed up to Draco Malfoy, who was sitting with his cronies, Crabbe and Goyle. His current girlfriend, Pansy Parkinson sat beside him, stroking his white blond hair.

"Your blue eyes are _so_ lovely," she crooned, watching him with huge, lovey-dovey eyes. "I can see your depth, wisdom and compassion reflected in them." Draco pulled away from her, scowling heavily.

"My eyes are GREY," said Draco irritably, "Do they LOOK blue to you?" he said, pushing his face close to hers and wearing a maniacal expression. She shuddered slightly and moved away so that they were at a comfortable distance.

"Draco Malfoy!" He turned around to see Ginny and Hermione marching up to him, both wearing formidable expressions. Pansy eyed them suspiciously.

"What are _they_ doing here?" she demanded.

"I'm his girlfriend," said Ginny. The other two glared at her.

"No, _I_ am!"

"No, _I_ am!"

All three of them rounded on Draco, who looked extremely uncomfortable. He opened his mouth to speak, but was saved the necessity of answering when-

"Hey Draco! Where are you taking me tonight?" The three girls turned to see Luna Lovegood hurrying forward, wearing a dreamy expression on her face. She looked quite normal having left off her radish earrings and butterbeer cork necklace.

"Just how many people did you ask out?" asked Hermione incredulously, her mouth wide open with shock. Draco cleared his throat nervously. Just as he tried to speak again, a host of people appeared at the Slytherin table; Harry followed by Mary Sue, Ron, Dean, Seamus, Lavender, Parvati and Neville bringing up the rear.

"Hey Gin," said Harry, smiling broadly. Ginny glowered at him, temporarily distracting her from Draco Malfoy.

"_What _did I _just say_ about calling me 'Gin'?! It's GINNY!"

"Hey," said Ron, looking from Ginny to Hermione to Pansy and Luna, "Are all of you in love with Draco Malfoy or something?" His words were slow, trollish.

"Yes," they said in unison, staring with hard expressions at each other. Ron looked puzzled.

"But you're in love with _me_ aren't you 'Mione?," staring at Hermione. Hermione ran a finger through her no-longer-bushy brown hair, frowning.

"For Emo's sake don't call me that! It rhymes with "whiney", so uncool! Anyways, you're too slow for me Ronald," she said. "You're just not smart or emotionally capable of loving me the way Draco does, sorry. And Draco is sexier than you."

"Ex_cuse_ _me_, but Draco and I go way back," said Luna, her dreamy air vanishing quickly. "We've been in love for approximately six seconds."

"But I love you!" said Neville, looking crushed.

"I do too," wailed Dean.

"And my best friend is in love with you but I love him," cried Seamus. "I'm lonely!"

"Does anyone WANT to hear me?" bellowed Draco. The large gathering fell silent, watching Draco intently. He took a deep breath and said "I love _you_ Harry!"

Harry blinked and said "Did you get that off _The Potter Puppet Pals_?"

"Yeah," said Draco grinning. "I just wanted to say that because I didn't get a part on that show. Don't worry; I'm not really in love with you." He noticed the sceptical looks he was getting from him, and gave up the facade. "All right, all right; I'm bisexual. I've had a teeny crush on Harry while I was dating Pansy. Happy?"

"No," said Hermione sourly. "Why must all the good-looking guys be gay or married?"

"I'm bi," Draco started to protest but Mary Sue cut in.

"Wait a minute, _The Potter Puppet Pals_ doesn't exist yet either," said Mary Sue. "And I know this because _I_ am the most perfect know-it-all in the world!"

"Hey, I'm the top student at Hogwarts so of course I'm the best know-it-all in the world!" snapped Hermione. "Who are you anyway?"

"My name is Mary Sue. I am Head Girl, Captain of the Gryffindor Quidditch team, have top marks in the grade and can see you're jealous that I am gorgeous when you're not," she said patronizingly. It was true she was beautiful with long, golden hair cascading down her shoulders and deep blue eyes, but nothing else seemed to fit.

"But I'm Quidditch Captain," protested Harry, continuing to speak in this mild tone. Mary Sue smiled.

"No actually, I am. Professor Dumbledore gave me these positions because he knows how perfect I am," said Mary Sue. "He's convinced that I am perfect. Everything about me is."

"You're inhuman, unrealistic and stupid. Please die," said Ginny. Mary Sue rolled her eyes.

"No, marry me since Hermione dumped me! You're much more beautifuller and smarter than her anyway!" said Ron eagerly. Hermione gasped, looking quite affronted.

"But Won-Won! You're _supposed_ to be in love with me!" said Lavender, wrapping her arms around Ron's shoulders. He shrugged her off, looking annoyed.

"Look, when Mary Sue comes into the picture, every man must love her perfection! And so I will." He struck a heroic pose. "I will only love the best; I don't care about prior commitments! I won't be bound to and by ugly, stupid women when a flawless gem like Mary Sue exists! And none you should bind yourself until your Mary Sue finds you! All men must hail Mary Sue!" As he finished, his chest puffed out proudly and he looked impressively at the others.

Seamus wiped his eyes on the front of his robes. "What a revolutionary speech! So (he sniffed) so inspiring! I didn't know what a wonderful speechmaker you are!"

"That's very sweet of you Ron, but I only date cool guys, men who don't look or smell part troll," she said, smiling kindly at him. His enthusiastic grin disappeared instantly. "I love Harry Potter."

"Let's get it on!" said Harry, his tone eager for the first time, moving to stand beside Mary Sue. Ginny's eyes widened with shock.

"Harry! I only pretended to love Draco to get you! To make you jealous! I want to be with you! I've loved you since I was eleven! Don't be with her!" Harry frowned.

He opened his mouth to speak but before a single sound escaped his lips when he noticed a pretty girl with long, dark red hair and lovely hazel eyes... _James' eyes_. She was hurrying towards the group, smiling happily at him.

"Harry! It's great to see you!" said the girl. "My dear brother..."

"Brother?" enquired Harry, looking mildly askance. "But I'm an only child."

"No you're not! I'm your long-lost twin sister who had been separated from you at birth and raised by a kind wizarding family in America while you were left to suffer with the Dursleys! And now Professor Dumbledore decided the time was right for us to meet again! Isn't that wonderful?"

"Hang on a sec. _Dumbledore_ let _you_ go to a wizard's family in _America_ while _I_ was stuck with the _Dursleys_ for fifteen years?"

"That's right!" she said beaming at him. "But now we're together again and I absolutely love you! I love you even though we barely know each other!"

"Um... yeah... I don't even know your name. I don't think I can love you yet seeing as you're a complete stranger to me."

"My name is Harriet Elizabeth Marie Lily Potter!" Her eyes ran appraisingly over Harry's body. "You look so much like our father... and I look so much like our mother. But we've traded eyes," she laughed.

"So, so how's life been for you?" It was clear Harry was now bursting with questions. His mild behaviour was gone again.

"Oh, nothing much. Actually, I've had so many similar experiences to yours. Like defeating Voldemort and stuff. I even have a scar like yours. See, we're both Chosen Ones." She pushed aside her bangs aside to reveal a lightning bolt shaped scar, like Harry's.

"But that's impossible," said Hermione and Mary Sue. Both seemed determined to outsmart each other. "There can only be ONE Chosen One! It's what makes him unique!" They glared at each other. Harriet Elizabeth Marie Lily rolled her eyes.

"Well, the laws have been bent to make the exception. Harry isn't the only person Voldemort is after. He's hunting for me too, especially since I have powers even Harry couldn't match. I'm so special that Sybil Trelawney didn't dare mention me in her prophecy."

"But it doesn't make any sense," snapped Hermione and Mary Sue, who were still speaking in unison and both looked rather irritated. "Why create an incomplete prophecy? And creating one isn't something this Seer did consciously! And why would Voldemort hunt you if you weren't in the prophecy?"

Harriet Elizabeth Marie Lily was about to answer when Hermione suddenly clutched her stomach and gasped. Everyone turned to watch her with curious eyes. Hermione's brown eyes widened with shock and... _guilt_?

"I... I'm pregnant," said Hermione and paused, allowing the crowd to gasp for added effect. Her hands, which had been raised in front of her stomach protectively lowered. Sure enough, there was a distinct bulge. No one spoke.

After a few disbelieving moments passed, Ginny asked: "Who is the father?" Hermione hung her head, her cheeks turned cherry red.

In a quavering voice, she said "I don't... know." It was amazing how quickly the doubt turned into tension. Ginny blanched.

"What do you mean you _don't know_?! How many people could possibly be the father?!" Hermione's face now resembled a brown-haired Quaffle. Ginny hissed in frustration. Luna sighed, as if the answer was obvious.

"Who've you shagged recently?" she asked with a fraction of the dreamy quality it usually had. When Hermione didn't anger, Ginny hissed again.

"You're already in heaps of trouble; nothing could make it worse now so TELL US!"

"Ok, ok! Three nights ago with Ron, Harry the night before that (Ginny glowered at him) I was supposed to do Draco tomorrow (his other two lovers looked livid) and," she gulped, "Sirius Black three months ago, Remus Lupin two months ago, and Severus Snape, earlier this morning." The last three names, she whispered shamefacedly.

"You're sure Draco can't be one of them right?" confirmed Ginny. Hermione nodded. Ginny looked unconvinced and started on Draco, who looked terrified at Ginny's expression, no doubt remembering her excellent Bat-Bogey Hex.

"I swear! The last time I had sex was with Moaning Myrtle and that was last night! She'll vouch for me!" Pansy, Luna, Parvati, Lavender, Mary Sue and Hermione gasped, Ginny froze and others gawked at him. Harriet Elizabeth Marie Lily said nothing. "Well... we tried to anyway..." he seemed quite disconcerted at having everyone staring at him like he had grown an extra head. Ron was shaking with quiet laughter.

"What's so funny?" snapped Hermione. Ron sniggered more audibly.

"So Draco, did you move a bed into the girls' bathroom or do it on the haunted lavatory?" He guffawed and this time, Harry, Dean and Seamus laughed with him. Draco scowled.

"That's not funny! Poor Myrtle's been teased far too much! She's sweet and sensitive like me! You could be nice and try not to ruin her death!" Ron was now hooting with laughter.

"You cheat on four girls and a ghost as well as flirt with a man and think you're sensitive?" snorted Parvati.

"Save this for another time! There are five possible fathers! What do I do?!" cried Hermione hysterically, tearing at her hair.

"We have to summon Madam Pomfrey, Professor Dumbledore and every possible father for a DNA test. Look Draco, I don't care whether you're doing it with ghosts only but she shouldn't take any chances," said Ginny. She abruptly walked away with Hermione while the rest of the group scrambled to their feet and followed suit.

As they left, Harry glanced up at the staff table. Professor Dumbledore and Snape were speaking to each other and judging by the serious expressions on their faces, Harry gathered that they were aware of what had just transpired. A rather childish, delightful and outrageously selfish though occurred to him: Snape would be sacked if he was the one who impregnated Hermione.

When they arrived at the Hospital Wing, Madam Pomfrey bustled over immediately.

"Oh dear," she said softly, looking at Hermione's bulging stomach. "You need a DNA spell don't you?" She didn't wait for Hermione to answer, muttering to herself slightly impatient. "Yes, you're not the first to need a test."

"I'm not?" Hermione said. A tiny fragment of relief seemed to sparkle in her eyes. Madam Pomfrey shook her head with the same impatience, as if it was obvious and Hermione should have known it already.

"Three days ago, Maron Sue came in, impregnated," she said. Mary Sue looked horrified. She paled rapidly, her eyes grew huge with disgust, taking away from her usually attractive face.

"My COUSIN is PREGNANT?!" shrieked Mary Sue. Hermione looked pleased that something finally stumped her. Harry resumed his mildly surprise expression again.

"You and Maron Sue are related? I'd never had guessed."

"Who's Maron Sue?" asked Ron. "D'you think she'd wanna come on a date with me?"

"NO, she would not. Maron Sue is my Japanese cousin. You can tell we're related- not because of appearance, we look very different from each other- but because we're both perfect in every way," she said in a hollow voice. "Or, so I thought." As she said this, a tall girl emerged from Madam Pomfrey's office. She was stunning with knee-length dark purple hair, ivory skin and deep amethyst eyes. Her black kimono flowed elegantly on her figure but also emphasized her swollen belly.

"Who knocked you up?" asked Mary Sue, deadly calm. Maron Sue sighed.

"You _really_ don't want to know…" she began but then quailed at the look Mary Sue was giving her. "Ok, ok, it's Severus Snape. He couldn't resist looking at me… I can't blame him. I _am_ a Sue after all so I have to be utterly tempting."

"Maron, you STUPID MORON! You risked EVERYTHING we Sue's have worked for! No man will look at you now since you've got knocked up by an undesirable _snake_!"

"Calm down, Mary-san," said Maron looking alarmed. "I'm getting an abortion."

"I don't care if you're getting an abortion! You have given the Sues a bad name!" Mary Sue collapsed into a chair in despair. "Our reputation…! It's shattered!"

"You've _always_ had a bad name," said Lavender sulkily, looking wistfully at Ron who was busy running his eyes over Maron Sue's body with unmistakable lust on his freckled face.

Ginny nodded in agreement, her jealous eyes darting from Harry to Mary Sue and back again. "You're so stupid, pointless and horrible and need to kill yourself before I lose control and do it myself." She twirled her wand between her fingers casually but no one took her words lightly except the Sues.

Madam Pomfrey raised her own wand, pointed it at Hermione's womb and muttered "Deoxyribonucleic Acid-io." There was a flash blue light and she filled a small vial labeled 'Fetus' with flesh-coloured liquid. She performed the spell on Harry, Ron and Draco but not Snape, Remus or Sirius.

"I already have Remus' and Severus' DNA since both have taught here and it is a school policy to give up a sample just in case," she said producing two more vials. "If none of them are the fathers, it will be obvious the clear father is Black." He tapped each vial and muttered "Contrasius." Two vials glowed red. One belonged to the fetus. The other belonged to Snape. It was a match.

"Why on Earth did _Snape_ agree to do _you_?" sneered Pansy. "You're a Gryffindor, a student, young enough to be his daughter and a Mudblood!"

"Don't call her a Mudblood!" snarled a voice. Professor Snape, accompanied by Dumbledore swooped into the room like an overgrown bat. His usually sallow skin had a rather unpleasant greenish tinge.

"We did it because I was lonely. You see, I used to be in love with a woman, Lily Evans, for many years - but she didn't love me back. I have been haunted by the echoes of my unrequited love - that is, until three days ago. Three days ago, I realized I didn't have to suffer anymore over a dead woman. I was a new man! I slept with Maron Sue after she got me all drunk, but it wasn't right. She wasn't someone I could love. Later on, I realized Hermione Granger was the best for me. Smart, pretty and talented, just like Lily." His gaze fell on Hermione with tender bliss. "Just like Lily…"

Ron made a gagging noise.

"You're not over my mum if you're trying to get the closest thing to her," Harriet Elizabeth Marie Lily pointed out.

Professor Dumbledore cleared his throat. "Since you have infringed us, and violated student rights, I have no choice but to- Severus, please get your wenis away from Ms. Granger," he interrupted himself.

"But Headmaster, my pants are zipped up!" objected Snape.

"Clearly you need to spend a night with a dictionary instead of a student," cut in Dumbledore, who seemed unimpressed. "I said 'wenis' not 'penis'."

Suddenly, a large barn owl glided into the room, carrying a plain white box. It fluttered before Ron, dropping the box and flew away. Ron picked it up, eyeing it curiously and picked it up.

"Hey look, there's a note," said Ron. It read:

_Dear Harry Potter,_

_Inside this box is a pipe bomb. I stole this from a Muggle store especially so you could perform 'The Mysterious Ticking Noise' for me some day. Open the box. _

_-Voldy_

"Hurrah!" cheered Ron looking delighted. "I've always wanted a pipe bomb!"

"First of all, that package is Harry's," said Hermione "And second, you don't even know what a bomb IS!"

"Yeah I do Hermione," retorted Ron "It's a big firecracker and it's gonna make pretty lights go off!" He reached to remove the lid of the box.

"NO!" everyone had cried but they were a second too late. Ron tore the lid off the box and soon the whole school was in ruins.

Far, far away, in an Albanian forest stood Voldy, his wicked face lit with triumph and happiness.

"Voldemort, Voldemort, ooooh, Voldy, Voldy, Voldy, VOLDEMORT! I HAVE DEFEATED HARRY POTTER BWAHAHAHAHAHA (his laughter broke and he gasped for air) HAHAHAHAHA!" He coughed and cleared his throat. "Ok, enough of that for now. Time for some tea and crumpets!" And he strode into the Albanian Forest, whistling merrily to himself.

--

Ok, I know my A/n was a bit blunt, but I needed to make my intentions clear. Here's my proper message to you wonderful readers. I've been working to perfect this parody for a long time, a REALLY long time and am feeling supremely happy to have finally posted it. For those of you who don't know, "wenis" is the skin around your elbows. HUGE, ENORMOUS thanks to FanimeScribbler and Zubi, who have been EXTREMELY supportive and helpful- I'd never have finished without them! And as always, a thanks to the reviewers who's comments really make my day. Read and review people, read and review.

Thanks again,

-the Chocofreakazoid

PS If there's enough interest, I might consider writing a second chapter.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Harry Potter. But I own this plot :):):)

**Chapter Two**

The next day was… different. Unexpected. Everything was _normal_? The school was no longer in ruins and for some strange reason everyone was alive, but unconscious. It was almost as if Ron Weasley did not let off a pipe bomb that killed everyone. One could walk into the Hospital Wing and think everyone had been slipped a sleeping potion.

In mere minutes, everyone, both students and staff, began to stir. Harry Potter sat up, stretching and yawning, as if he just took a refreshing nap. He rubbed his crusty, emerald green eyes and looked around, wearing a bemused, groggy expression.

"Why aren't I dead? Was the bomb a dream?" he said. His voice was oddly muted, probably due to a combination of fatigue and his irritatingly mild behaviour. Then he gave out an odd yelp; his robes were tattered and singed. He looked around at everyone, feeling thoroughly alarmed; Ginny and Ron's red hair were slightly smoking, giving the impression that their heads were on fire. The force of the blast had thrown Hermione and Snape towards the other side of the Wing- Snape was curled protectively over her. The others were sprawled on the ground. Dumbledore was on his feet. Harriet Elizabeth Marie Lily, Mary Sue and Maron Sue were nowhere to be seen.

"Harriet Elizabeth Marie Lily?" he called out searching for his long-lost sister. Ron suddenly bolted up to his feet, as if he'd been electrocuted. He stared at everyone then yelled at the top of his lungs.

"Where's my pipe bomb? _Where's my pipe bomb?! Who stole it?!_" He noticed Harry was conscious. "YOU! HOW DARE YOU STEAL MY PIPE BOMB?!"

"Shut up Ron," snapped Ginny, sitting up also. "Only _you_ would be thick enough to steal a pipe bomb. It exploded when you opened that box Mouldy-Voldy sent you remember? The one that came with a _letter_ telling you what was inside?! Remember that, Ron?"

"Yeah, well… at least I have a mom!" said Ron defiantly with his nose in the air. Ginny rolled her eyes.

"What kind of come back is that?! It has nothing to do with anything! Besides, we're siblings- we have the _same mom_ in case you've forgotten!"

"What happened… how the HELL are we still alive?" asked Hermione. She seemed quite content to have Snape's arms wrapped around her waist.

"ARGH! GERROFF ME!" Muffled yelling came from underneath Neville Longbottom's buttocks. He jumped and scrambled off the floor where Draco Malfoy lay.

"No wonder the floor felt so soft," mumbled Neville. "Gosh Malfoy, for someone so muscular, your skin is so soft and pillow-like."

"Are you turned on by me?" asked Draco incredulously. Neville shook his head.

"Your muscles… are too soft to be real." Before he could elaborate, four figures entered the room; Harriet Elizabeth Marie Lily, Mary Sue, Maron Sue followed by an extraordinarily handsome man. He was quite tall, towering over Dumbledore and slimly muscular. His curly hair was the colour of honey and his eyes were sapphire blue, the same shade as Mary Sue's.

Hermione, Ginny, Parvati, Lavender, Luna and Pansy were all staring at him.

"I must have died and entered Heaven," breathed Luna. "For me to see such a gorgeous man-angel."

"Hello," he said politely. His voice was deep and manly. "My name is Gary Sue. I take it you've met my sister Mary Sue?"

"Hi," said Hermione breathlessly, running her fingers through her hair. "My name is-"

"Lavender Brown," said Lavender sweetly, elbowing Hermione in the ribs. "I could how you around the school somet-"

"No! Back off! He's mine," cried Hermione. Lavender scowled.

"Go back to your beloved Professor Snape!"

"Both of you have men girls," said Ginny soothingly. "Hermione has Snape and Lavender can have by troll of a brother. Meanwhile, I'll get Gary Sue."

"Oh get together with Harry," said Parvati "You can be his bitch. Gary Sue and I belong together."

"No, no, NO!" screeched Pansy. "I'm worthiest of Gary Sue!"

"Wait! _I'm_ the sex god remember?!" said Draco looked perplexed by the sudden change. "You were squabbling over MY greatness yesterday! You all wanted to be with ME! Why are you suddenly after HIM?!"

"You're gay Draco," said Hermione matter-of-factly. "What's the use in being in love with a gay man? Go hit on Harry."

"I'm bi and I'm still waiting for an answer!"

Gary Sue cleared his throat in a self-satisfied way. "As a Sue, I am so utterly tempting-"

"Yeah, yeah, so I've heard," interrupted Draco. He seemed to be taking his loss of the title of "Number One Sex-God" harshly. Denying it, actually. "Listen here buddy. I'll break it down for you slowly so you understand what I'm saying. Chicks. Dig. Me. Not. You. So GO AWAY."

"But I'm the reason you're alive," said Gary Sue, his eyebrows raised. "I brought you back from the dead. You should be on your knees with gratitude, or else begging for forgiveness as you just insulted me."

"What?!" Draco, Dean and Seamus gasped together.

"Impossible!" exclaimed Harry, looking at Dumbledore for collaboration.

"Hot," murmured Ginny looking mightily impressed. "Very hot."

"I have amazing powers that make me a better Master of Death than even you, Harry Potter," said Gary Sue, smiling. Harry looked mildly surprised.

"Ok, so lemme get this straight. My title as Quidditch Captain for the Gryffindor team was given to Mary Sue, Harriet Elizabeth Marie Lily has experienced everything I have and more so my history isn't very unique and now you're telling me I'm not even going to be a great Master of Death like I'm supposed to be next year? That's very interesting. I'm not special anymore."

"Yes, you've got it straight Harry. You're not special anymore. I can only wonder why I wasn't introduced yesterday. Being as excellent as me, I should have been the star of yesterday's chapter in this parody. How could this idiotic author forget the degree of my unbearable perfection?!"

"Hmmm… let's think," said Mary Sue pulling a mock-thinking expression on her beautiful face "Maybe, just _maybe _it's because you're not, nor ever will be, as perfect as a gem like ME!"

"And neither of you American bakas can compare to ME!" said Maron Sue.

(Ron looked confused. "What's a baka?")

"You gave up your Sue-hood when you allowed that Snake to impregnate you," said Gary Sue coldly, eyeing her round stomach.

"Sue-hood?! What the fuck?! Is that like 'Sue-ginity'?!" said Hermione.

"I need to buy a Sue-tionary if I'm going to understand you Sues and your messed up talking," muttered Draco.

The Sues continued as though they hadn't heard these comments.

"You two just aren't sure enough of your perfection to allow someone to see all of it," said Maron Sue smugly.

Ron was gazing at Maron Sue's perfection with as much lust and longing as he was before the explosion. "Can _I_ see all of it?" he asked hopefully.

Maron Sue walked briskly to stand in front of Ron. She glared at him for one long moment, then bitch-slapped him.

"You're just a troll. A hideous one at that," she snarled.

"So who will I get to be with?" His eyes were sparkling and he rubbed the spot she slapped as if it was marked with lipstick instead of a bruise. In an undertone, he muttered "I'm never washing this part."

"You can be with Pansy," put in Ginny. "No one wants her."

"URGH! YOU THINK YOU'RE SO GREAT DON'T YOU!" screamed Pansy and she lunged for Ginny. The movements seemed to pass in slow-motion. Ginny side-stepped her, but Pansy seized Ginny's purse (she would have tried to grab the sleeves of her robes if they had been more than an extra layer of skin to Ginny). They struggled with it before both let go. It remained airborne for five seconds, before landing on Seamus' head.

"Hahaha," laughed Ron, "It's raining condoms!" It was true- the contents, most of which were condoms, of Ginny's purse briefly rained on everyone's heads, scattering all over the Hospital Wing. Harry picked one up.

"Vanilla condoms…?" he said looking mildly curious. The others gaped at Ginny who blushed the colour of her hair. "What do you need Vanilla condoms for…?"

"They… they make the sex smell nice," she said in a small voice.

"Aren't you girls into scented candles?"

"No, candles are so overrated," said Ginny. "Look, these products enhance my popularity in the bedroom." She snatched condoms and purse up from Seamus and stuffed out of sight.

"So you're a prostitute?" Hermione confirmed. When Ginny nodded, she cursed. "You do a million more men than I do yet _I'm_ the one who gets pregnant! AND I always use protection too! Where's the justice?!"

"Well, previous know-it-all, smarty-pants Granger getting knocked up is always the twist in a story," said Mary Sue patronizingly "And it replaces you with ME which is very beneficial for my reputation."

"Give me one of the condoms you use," commanded Ginny. Hermione hesitated, than handed her a small pink package from the pocket of her black jeans. Ginny sniffed.

"You use the rose-scented condoms? Hmm… interesting… I always found that fragrance sweet," said Ginny examining it carefully. Hermione waited impatiently as the minutes dragged on. Finally, she handed it back.

"It's defective," she said. "There is a very tiny hole in it."

"Who would do such a thing," Hermione cried dramatically, "And how do you know?"

"Look, sex is my trade, I'm qualified and am something of an expert on it," said Ginny smugly.

"So… so who put a hole in it? And WHY?! What have _I_ done to anyone?!"

"Plenty," sulked Lavender. "Like stealing my precious Won-Won from me. My darling Ronnikins!"

"My name is Ron," said Ron looking annoyed. "Not 'Ronnikins', not 'Won-Won', thank Gawd."

Harriet Elizabeth Marie Lily raised her perfectly arched eyebrows. "So, is this a confession? That you're the reason Hermione Granger is pregnant?" Her hazel eyes probed her rather intensely, as if Harriet Elizabeth Marie Lily were trying to will the guilt out of her.

"If you are, I am forever grateful to you and will reward you with a makeover- you definitely need one," added Mary Sue "Although I won't let you look at gorgeous as me." Lavender scowled.

"I'm not confessing anything!" She crossed her arms, and turned away with her nose in the air. Ginny smirked at her; it was the sort of smirk that spread across someone's face when the light bulb went on. She whipped out her wand from her purse and yelled "Accio!"

"Hey!" shouted Lavender but it was too late. Something small, slender and silver whizzed out of her pocket and landed neatly on Ginny's palm. The haughty, slightly flirty, smile on her face was glowing with triumph.

"Aha! Next time 'Lav-Lav', try hiding the incriminating evidence elsewhere." She held up the pin for everyone to see. "Voila, the very thing used to break the condom." Hermione was quaking with anger.

"YOU KNOCKED ME UP?!" bellowed Hermione, her face bright red. Lavender gave her a withering look.

"Snape did, asshole. For someone so smart, you sure are dumb- it's impossible for ME to get you pregnant since I don't have a man-organ. I just ruined your condoms."

"YOU STUPID BITCH! YOU'RE THE REASON I HAVE TO CARRY THIS AROUND!"

"Yeah well, you deserve it. Because of you, Ronnie ditched me!" Tears were pouring down her face. She sobbed noisily like a four-year old child whose parents refused to buy a chocolate bar for.

"Urgh… not this again," groaned Hermione. "In case you haven't noticed, Severus and I are in love. I have no interest in the troll. And for Emo's sake, why aren't you on Maron Sue's case? Ron seems to love her… why am I being targeted?!"

"For Kami's sake, leave me out of this," snapped Maron Sue. "I do not wish to be embroiled in your namby-pamby 'romance' with a troll!"

"It's too late Maron Sue!" said Lavender. "You're cruel to my Won-Won even though he expresses love to someone so unworthy-"

"Love? _Love?_ You call his lust for my perfect body (which-is-more-than-simply-worthy) _love_? Are you insane?!"

"HAHA! That means no one LOVES you Gary Sue! These women only LUST after a bastard like you!" jeered Draco.

"And you," said Gary Sue in kind, wearing a dark scowl.

"Look at me! I'm sexy, muscular and manly!" Draco tore the shirt of his robes off, and struck a macho pose. "Don't you wish Gary Sue was hot like me?" he quoted with malice in his voice, leering at the girls. He noticed that everyone was staring, not with besotted love or wistfulness, but with disgust. "What?! Don't you want my beautiful abs?"

"What abs?" sniggered Dean. The girls were all looking quite horrified. Draco looked down and yelped. In place where his muscles should be were numerous pillows taped onto his chest and arms.

"No wonder you felt like a pile of pillows," said Neville. "Boy, you must have issues if you can't let a woman see you for what you are."

"I can't BELIEVE I slept with HIM!" said Ginny. The look of revulsion on her face was almost comical.

"Hehe, I bet all your admirers aren't gonna fight over you ever again," said Gary Sue gleefully.

"But... but how on Earth are they fake?! They looked so real... and felt real too!" Pansy demanded. The shock had not died out and she seemed to be on the verge of hyperventilating.

Draco fidgeted, uncomfortably.

"I... er... I kinda..."

"Spit it out already!" said Mary Sue, looking intrigued, unlike the others.

He cleared his throat. "I... I enchant the pillows into muscles I can attach to my body. They're only temporary." He said this very quickly and flushing pink.

"Eww. Gross," said Luna "And to think we were in love a day and six seconds ago..." Dean and Neville stared at her with renewed hope.

"You're anorexic skinny and so boney..." said Pansy. "I can see you're ribs... and your cold grey eyes pop unpleasantly."

"Tell me Draco, how do you get yourself trapped in these situations," sneered Snape.

Urgh... since the women hate me, I'd better settle for the men. Harry, will you-"

"Hermione, what the hell do you think you're doing?" asked Harriet Elizabeth Marie Lily sharply. Everyone turned to see Hermione huddled in the corner of the room, no longer by Snape's side, holding a long, silver blade to her wrist. Blood was profusely spilling onto the floor, like a puddle of cherry Kool-Aid. Parvati looked ready to pass out but Hermione was perfectly calm.

"I'm emo. I cut myself. Got a problem?" She looked a little cross that they had bothered to ask her.

"You're mutilating yourself!" said Ginny. "Of course there's a problem!"

"Gosh, I never knew sluts had such a large vocabulary," said Hermione loftily.

"Just why are you cutting yourself exactly?" demanded Parvati, whose cheeks were tinged with green.

"Life sucks! I have a baby, no thanks to Lavender-Bitch-Brown, I'm depressed! And I'm on drugs and can't get clean-" Ron, who was taking a sip of water choked and gagged. Harry thumped his back.

"You?! _You're_ on _drugs_?!" said Harry incredulously. It was a relief to see him expressing some emotion - even a little. His surprise must have been great for he completely ignored Draco's attempts at a little chemistry between them.

"Yes... crack is so addicting," sighed Hermione. "It's helpful when I want to forget-"

"Wow... you're a Muggle!" said Draco. "Hahaha, a MUGGLE! Not even 'mudblood', a MUGGLE! You don't see wizards consuming that crap! MUGGLE!"

"Oh, shut your trap! At least I'm human unlike you Mr. Pillowy-Ferrety-Thingy," Hermione replied heatedly.

"You two are the biggest dunderheads I've ever seen," said Dumbledore looking highly disappointed. "And to think you might have been Head Girl Ms. Granger... Thank Merlin for Mary Sue appearing when she did."

"Yes, Professor," said Mary Sue eagerly. Maron frowned.

"Mary Sue gets all the men, grades and high-positions in the school. Gary Sue can bring people back from the dead and defeat ten Death Eaters in one go and Harriet Elizabeth Marie Lily is the Chosen One but better. Why haven't _I_ been acknowledged for anything?"

"You're acknowledged for losing your Sue-ginity," said Gary Sue snidely.

"Ignore him," said Ron. "You're known for being the most unique woman in the world! You're the loveliest lady here - _and _Japanese! All we get here are typical Americans and average British women. Having a woman as exotic as you is a miracle!" He smiled widely at her and took one of her ivory hands. She did not protest. "You're talented and beautiful, like a heaven-sent angel. It's a terrible shame that not everyone is blessed enough to recognize it, or realize how lucky they are to have a relative like you. Now, I would - and do! - fully appreciate you. I would do anything for you at all! I would swim across shark-infested seas, cross the most treacherous mountains, and walk through the flames of hell if you but asked me to!"

"You could be a poet Ron!" said Seamus with wide, starry eyes. "You're such an amazing speaker, making pretty speeches for women! Can you teach me? Can I hire you to woo Dean for me?"

"Uh... I'm straight. No wooing. And I think capturing another man's heart is different from capturing a woman's. All you have to do is offer the man a vat of beer, free food, lots of sex and he's yours."

"Hey!" said Dean indignantly, "I like women! I'm straight! There is no frigging way I'm going to dance into the sunset holding my best friend's hand and saying 'Oh Seamus, I love you!' And I'm a deep person! Whoever says men only like food is a bastard!"

"Let's test that theory," said Ginny and she produced a bar of Honeydukes chocolate from her purse. She carefully unwrapped it. The sweet, intoxicating scent wafted towards Dean. He breathed deeply, then sidled up next to Ginny.

"Can I have one teeny bite? Please? Pretty please? I'll be your slave forever and ever and ever if you do!" He was eyeing the bar Ginny grinned at Seamus. She mouthed something to him and Seamus nodded and hurried out of the Hospital Wing.

"Is something wrong Severus?" asked Dumbledore. Snape was lying flat on his back on a bed, looking mightily depressed.

"I... Hermione... you... you don't want to keep my baby...?" His voice was weak, sorrowful.

"Severus, I love you but I'm not ready for a baby. I don't want to have to be responsible for it. I'm young; I'm not ready to settle down. And I'm not ready for marriage- which will be inevitable if I want this baby."

"But... but what happened to our love? Don't you want to marry me and have lots of babies? Don't you care about what _I_ want?"

Hermione sighed. "That's what I get for being too closely involved with an old man."

"You're not like Lily! Lily wanted kids, a life with the one she loves!"

"Yeah, well I'm not Lily! STOP EXPECTING ME TO BE HER SUBSTITUTE!"

Harriet Elizabeth Marie Lily cleared her throat. "Do you mind not talking about this? This is a parody. Everything is supposed to be funny, not serious! And besides, you're kinda talking about my mom."

"Our mom," Harry corrected. Dumbledore shook his head.

"Harry, your real father is Voldemort."

No one said anything.

Every time Harry tried to speak, he felt his shock clog his voice box, rendering him mute. The minutes dragged on; one minute... two... then three... four... and finally five before someone dared speak.

"Dude," said Seamus, how had returned from where ever the hell he went. "That's just so... _cliché._"

"Have you been watching too much Star Wars, Professor?" asked Harriet Elizabeth Marie Lily. "How can we possibly be siblings and look like our parents if he's Voldy's son? Who would be our mother?"

"Think about the facts: Voldy was small, thin and dark-haired before his transformation from the Horcruxes! He was an orphan, old child and a half-blood! Harry has vivid green eyes and Voldy had vivid red ones! Both can speak Parseltongue!"

"Yeah, but I look like James Potter! And how on EARTH would Voldy have gotten my mum into a bed with him! And if I were his son, why hasn't he tried recruiting me? Why does he want me dead?!"

"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA! _Ahem_, I'll tell you why I want you dead!"

Voldemort was standing in the doorway, accompanied by Bellatrix Lestrange. Everybody gave a typical canonical scream/gasp. And then the author of this story decided to end this chapter as a cliffhanger, so you'll have to wait for the next chapter to come out before you can find out what happens next. Bye now.

* * *

To be honest, I rarely plan to write second chapters but I end up writing one anyway and am working on a third :P Anyways, I hope you enjoyed the chapter! HUGE THANKS TO FANIMESCRIBLLER AND ZUBI who were so wonderfully helpful! And always, you awesome awesome reviewers who take the time leave a comment.

Any sexist stuff Ron said is HIS opinion, NOT MINE! I really don't mean it to offend the male audience! Also, "baka" means idiot and "Kami" means "God" in Japanese. Thanks to for ChaosxPaladin for the vocab. I apologize if I used the words incorrectly. I KNOW that the real term is "Gary Stu" but I wanted "Sue" to be a sort of surname so its obvious they are a family of irritating perfection.

So, read and review because they really make my day and I love getting mail :)

thanks again,

-the Chocofreakazoid


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing but the plot. Also, I borrowed some stuff from Achmed the Dead Terrorist and Potter Puppet Pals.

**Chapter Three**

"Zoh my Gawd! It's Voldy!" gasped Ron. Voldemort inclined his bald, white head. "Your pipe bomb sucks! It didn't make pretty lights go off! It made the school explode and we died! Totally L-A-Y-M! _LAME_!"

"Oh wow! Give him a round of applause- no- _standing ovation_- for such _wonderful _spelling," said Ginny sarcastically. "You idiot! It's spelled L-A-M-E!"

Ron stuck his tongue out at her as if he were four and not sixteen. "No it isn't!" He looked wheeled around for support. "Harry! Isn't it spelled l-a-y-m?"

"No," said Harry. Ron shot him a glare before pleading with Hermione.

"Prove to her, it really is spelled l-a-y-m!" Hermione shook her head apologetically.

"Sorry Ron, it isn't."

"Mary Sue? Maron Sue? Gary Sue? Harriet Elizabeth Marie Lily?!" The volume of his voice increased with each person he asked, the edge of hysteria in his voice becoming more pronounced. All four of them shook their heads. Ginny grinned gloatingly.

"If you died, explain to me how you're still alive," said Voldemort, his evil face contorted into a twisted smile which looked rather painful. "Explain to me which strings Dumbledore pulled this time."

"No strings Tom. It was Gary Sue," said Dumbledore, smiling.

"Gary Sue? WHAT?! What about Harry Potter?! Isn't he the only one who can survive after encountering me?!"

"Oh, we all died," said Dumbledore cheerfully, "But Gary Sue brought us back to life."

"And I STILL don't understand why the author chose to introduce me in the second chapter," grumbled Gary Sue.

"Oh shut up and be grateful the author introduced you at all," said Mary Sue crossly. "I think I should have more of the spotlight."

"No! No! NO! You should never get the spotlight! Ever! Kami will see to that," said Maron Sue.

"Do I need a Japanese-English dictionary in addition to the Sue-tionary?!" asked Draco impatiently. "Can we talk in a language we all understand?"

"Shut_ter_ Up_per_," said Ron, wearing a strained expression, brandishing his wand pointlessly at the Sues.

"If you want them to be quiet," said Mary Sue and Hermione in unison "Use _silencio_."

"SILENCE!" yelled Voldemort, glaring at everyone, as if to say 'Fear my evil red eyes. They're so bad!'

"IIIIII. Keeeel. Youuuu," Harry mock-thundered, slowly. This impression of Achmed the Dead Terrorist was extremely awful.

"Great, just great," muttered Gary Sue. "Everyone's quoting stuff from YouTube. Honestly, this fanfiction author has no originality whatsoever."

"You're just upset 'cause she didn't like you enough to put you in the first chapter. Get over it!" said Mary Sue. "And YouTube doesn't exist yet either. It's not invented for another-"

"Yeah well, all the rules are being broken now. We're all being modernized," snapped Hermione. "YOU need to get over this. Oh and by the way, you totally killed that line Harry."

"Oh," said Harry looking a little disappointed.

"I never thought I'd see the day where Hermione Granger would be breaking rules," said Ron slowly.

"Well, I'm going to kill you now," Voldemort announced cheerfully. "And my secret-daughter-you-never-knew-about is going to assist me. Jasmine!" He beckoned at the shadows.

A young girl stepped forward. She was tall and thin just like her father with dark hair, dark eyes and every bit as beautiful as the Sues and Harriet Elizabeth Marie Lily. She gave a start when she saw Harry Potter and clutched at her heart.

"Oh, dear Merlin! I've fallen in love with Harry Potter! I'm going to go join forces with them! I'm going to abandon my father!" And she skipped happily to stand next to him. Ginny and Mary Sue glowered at her. Harry shook his head and inched away from her.

"That's incest..." he shook his head again.

"What?" said Jasmine looking confused. Did she not know they were siblings?

"You're our sister," said Harriet Elizabeth Marie Lily. "How can you possibly love him like that...?"

"I'm not your sister! You're Lily and James' kids' right? I'm Voldemorts!"

"Um... somehow we're Voldy's kids too..."

"WHAT?!" Voldemort if possible, turned even whiter than he already was. "THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE! I CANNOT BE RELATED TO THE CHOSEN ONE! NOOO! IT CAN'T BE!"

"Dumbledore reckons our similarities mean we're related."

"DUMBLEDORE, YOU BASTARD! YOU LIAR! YOU MORONIC, SENILE OLD MAN-"

"You know what disturbs me more than anything?" said Ginny. "He must have been in his late fifties or early sixties when he knocked up their mother. He's old enough to be their grandpa!"

"Who _is_ our mother? Lily?" asked Harriet Elizabeth Marie Lily looking a little doubtful.

"I would never want that FILTHY mudblood in bed with me," seethed Voldy, a mad glint in his evil red eyes. "I am rather hard to please and few women are worthy enough to see this."

"I'm surprised you want a woman with you at all," said Dumbledore. "Especially since St. Mungo's researchers discovered you're a hermaphrodite. You're so independent, you create kids yourself."

"Um... what's, what's a hermaphrodite?" said Harry quickly.

"It means he has male and female organs," said Mary Sue and Hermione. They exchanged their customary scowls.

"So...?" said Jasmine askance.

"Voldy here is your mother _and_ father!" cried Dumbledore cheerfully.

"So... does that mean you can do yourself and other people? Do you like men, women or yourself?" asked Ron, perking up. He was too interested for his own good.

Harry, Harriet Elizabeth Marie Lily and Jasmine looked revolted and too shocked to speak. Their mother- father- whatever the hell Voldy is- is... is an IT?!

"I like WOMEN, thank you very much," said Voldemort huffily. "I used to want Ginny Weasley but I got over it four years ago. Now I want Bellatrix Lestrange."

"Yes my Lord," said Bellatrix eagerly, hovering at his elbow.

"Thank GAWD," whispered Ginny who looked nauseated.

"Bella? Aren't you married?" asked Dumbledore looking surprised. Bellatrix opened her mouth to speak when-

"Of course I'm married. Now would you please remove this girl off my husband? I'd do it myself but I'm afraid I might break her bones." Three people entered the Hospital Wing: a beautiful woman with ghostly pale skin, waist-length mahogany hair and strange, golden eyes and Cho Chang. Both were clutching onto... what the heck! _Cedric Diggory_?!

No... hang on a sec! It can't be Cedric! He died two years ago... besides, this person had tousled bronze hair- not dark like Cedric's had been. He was as pale as the unknown woman and had the same, golden eyes instead of grey ones. But he had the same strong jaw, same serious expression and was more than exceptionally handsome. He and the woman were dressed in designer muggle clothing. His left sleeve was wet with salty tears as Cho was sobbing on him.

"Cedric! I c-can't b-b-believe you r-returned from the d-d-d-dead! I love you! I am so s-sorry for d-dating H-Harry Potter! I really am! I-"

"For the last time, my name is Edward," said the man a little impatiently. "Edward Cullen. My wife Bella and I are from the United States of America seeking to enroll our daughter Renesmee in this school." He spoke with an American accent and poking out from behind him was a small girl no one had noticed before. She looked about eleven with long bronze ringlets and chocolate brown eyes.

"Why not enroll her in The Salem Witches' Institute in America?" asked Mary Sue but her sweet voice was drowned out by Cho's childish sobbing.

"C-C-Cedric! Cedric! H-how c-could you l-l-leave me for her! I l-loved you so m-m-much!" she blubbered. She was hysterical with grief.

"I'm not Cedric! I'm not your dead boyfriend! I'm a married man-"

"H-how c-could you get m-married and leave me h-hanging all this time?!"

He and the woman exchanged glances before addressing Dumbledore.

"You're the headmaster of this school?" Dumbledore nodded, his penetrating blue eyes scrutinizing Edward.

"Please control you students then," said Edward politely but with authority.

"Ms. Chang. I'm afraid this man is not Cedric Diggory, despite their striking resemblance." Cho dissolved into another fit of tears while Edward and Bella Cullen looked relieved that someone believed him.

"H-how is that p-possible?!" she stammered.

"Uh..." No one seemed to know how to answer. Cho folded her arms and stuck out her bottom lip as she waited for someone to say something.

A minute passed when Harry finally said "We can just accept it and move on..." Cho shot him a murderous glance.

"I have a theory," said Gary Sue rather proudly. "The actor of Cedric and the Twilight's Edward Cullen are the same person and now people imagine they're exactly the same in the books-"

"You're making as much sense a person who's been slipped a Babbling Beverage," sneered Snape. Cho marched up to Gary Sue.

"You know, a good night sleep might help me feel better," said Cho meaningfully, winking at Gary Sue, who remained indifferent while the other girls looked angrily at her.

"I'm afraid that isn't possible," said Gary Sue. "I have fallen in love."

"Who?!" Gary Sue's fan-girls chorused.

"I love..." Harry imagined the sound of a drum roll as Gary Sue paused for one suspenseful moment. Even Harriet Elizabeth Marie Lily and Jasmine perked up with interest, no doubt feeling the only person except Edward Cullen was beautiful enough for them.

"Harriet Marie Elizabeth Lily," he said lovingly. Harriet Elizabeth Marie Lily smiled and wrapped her arms around him while all the other girls looked incredibly glum. But their sadness was nothing compared to Severus'.

"Why?! Why must all the tragedy happen to ME?!" He sighed; he was clearly frustrated that no one understood where all his angst suddenly came from. "Harriet Elizabeth Marie Lily and Gary Sue are in love!"

"Um... so... your point would be?" asked Gary Sue, holding Harriet Elizabeth Marie Lily close to him.

"She looks and acts _just like Lily_! When my relationship with Hermione ended, I realized that she wasn't the one either. She wanted to be young and I was used to make younger men jealous that a beauty like her was attracted to me of all people. I thought long and hard-"

"What the hell! That was only, like, like six seconds ago!" said Luna indignantly. "How can you possibly fall in deep love so quickly?!"

Severus ploughed through his story as if Luna hadn't spoken. "And I realized that Harriet Elizabeth Marie Lily was the one. She has Lily's long, silky dark red hair that always smelled of heavenly roses, her fair skin is as soft and smooth as a baby's underneath my sensitive fingers. She possesses the fire, the passion and warmth Lily always did! She is sweet, sensitive and subtle about her feelings the way Lily always was. And she is making a terrible mistake in choosing Gary Sue over me like her mother before her."

"What could you possibly do for me that Gary Sue can't?" asked Harriet Elizabeth Marie Lily. "He's a frigging sex-god and loves me in spite of all the girls he could have. You on the other hand, are mooning after me because you just broke up with Hermione and wanted my dead mother."

"Harriet Elizabeth Marie Lily, Voldemort is your only parent-" began Dumbledore but she talked over him.

"So tell me this. Do you love ME or Lily Potter?"

"Lily _Evans_," snarled Snape but she shook her head.

"That answers everything." Another typical, awkward silence crept up.

"So what now?" asked Parvati, breaking the silence earlier than anyone normally would have. Jasmine rolled her eyes.

"Isn't it obvious? TRUTH OR DARE!"

"What's truth or dare?" asked Ron, scratching his head while moving it side-to-side, giving him the look of a demented ape.

"How can you not know what truth or dare is? We've played the damn game millions of times in fanfics about us!" cried Ginny.

"Oh. Oh yeah. But I never understood how it works," said Ron defensively.

"Because you're an idiot," said Ginny.

"Excellent idea!" cried Dumbledore delightedly, ignoring Ron and Ginny's less-than-friendly exchange. Mary Sue spared Jasmine a jealous glance before gazing blissfully at Harry, who was completely oblivious to her.

"Is this really the time...?" asked Edward Cullen, whose arm was wrapped around his wife and daughter protectively. "My daughter needs to be enrolled in this school!"

"And I need to win your love Harriet Elizabeth Marie Lily," added Snape with a fierce, determined glint in his cold black eyes. Harriet Elizabeth Marie Lily shuddered and clutched onto Gary Sue tightly, who glowered at Snape.

"And I need to kill you all," sulked Voldemort. His red eyes grew huge and his lip-less mouth curved into a sad pout. Instead of looking like a sad, innocent puppy, he looked angrier than usual.

"Forget all of that, I want a game of truth or dare!" said Hermione. In an undertone, she said "Maybe I can dare my love to make out with me."

"We're leaving. Maybe Salem Institute won't be so bad," said Edward Cullen crossly and with that, he led his family out of the Hospital Wing."

"Since it's my idea, I get to choose who goes first," said Jasmine. She pointed at Ron. "Truth or dare?"

"Um... dare I guess," said Ron, shrugging. Jasmine gathered he still had no clue what the purpose of the game is. She grinned a wicked grin.

"I dare you to kiss a _spider_," she said, enjoying the look of horror that froze on Ron's face. He dropped to his knees, his hands clasped in front of him and held above his bent head.

"Please. I'll do anything, _anything_ but that. I will brave the Forbidden Forest, provoke the Giant Squid, eat a Blast-Ended Skrewt or even make love to Mrs. Norris here and now! I'll run a hundred miles, give up magic, marry Neville's toad- ANYTHING! Just don't make me _kiss_ a _spider_!"

"You know what?" said Ginny. "Let's _not_ make him kiss a spider." Ron sighed in relief and gave his sister an adoring look. Everyone else looked surprised at this unusual kindness. "Let's not make him kiss just _any_ spider! Make him kiss _Aragog_." Ron resumed an even more horrified expression while Jasmine considered this thought.

"Actually, that's an excellent idea," said Jasmine appreciatively. "Summon Hagrid this instant," she ordered Draco Malfoy.

"Why me?" asked Draco. "I'm a spoiled-rotten rich kid who's never done a day's worth of work in my life and never plan to!"

"Yeah well-"

"Di' I hear what ya just said right? Ron's got a kiss for dear ol' Aragog? Great! I brought 'im 'ere with me, jus' in case," said Hagrid cheerfully, appearing out of nowhere.

"What the- how did you...?" started Dean but Ginny stopped him.

"He's here, don't question it."

"Now Ron, kiss the spider," commanded Jasmine. Ron cringed, and ran to hide behind Maron Sue. Maron Sue glared at Jasmine.

"I cannot believe you would make him do such a thing! Baka! YOU kiss the beast!"

"C'mon Ron, it ain't a bad thing! Aragog's a sweet ol' spider!" said Hagrid comfortingly. "Wouldn' hurt a fly!" Harry coughed sceptically, but quietly so Hagrid would not hear.

"Ronald Weasley. You have been dared. Do it or you will be expelled," said Dumbledore sternly. Ron gulped.

"Ok, ok!" He hesitantly approached the giant spider, who was lying in Hagrid's monstrous arms. Aragogs milky eyes scrutinized him. It was clear he remembered the boy who once visited him years ago. Ron bet his head, and kissed Aragogs hairy leg very briefly. Everyone laughed and jeered as Ron hurried away from it, shaking violently. Maron Sue stroked his hair and murmured words of comfort.

"Well, we'll be off now," said Hagrid and he stumped away with Aragog.

"Never again," said Ron hollowly as soon as Hagrid was out of earshot. "_Never_."

"Now Ron, YOU get to ask someone truth or dare," said Jasmine readily.

"Umm, ok... Hermione! Truth or dare?"

Hermione frowned and faltered. "Truth."

"Who do you love now that you and Snape are over?" Hermione blushed scarlet and looked down at her feet. Lavender tapped her toe impatiently.

"Well? Who is it?" she demanded and her eyes flickered from Hermione to Ron.

"It isn't Ron," said Hermione flatly, noticing her tone. "It's, it's GINNY! I love you Ginny! Since no men seem to love me, I've given up on them jerks! I love women! I love Ginny!"

"Oh... well um, I'm sorry Hermione. But you know I love Harry." Hermione nodded sadly.

"I would be in love with you Hermione but Maron Sue and I are meant to be now," said Ron, smiling adoringly at her. Lavender shook her fists at Maron Sue.

"Stupid bitch," she muttered to herself.

"All right, enough of the emotional heartbreaks, Hermione it's your turn," said Jasmine promptly.

"Truth or dare Draco?"

"Dare," said Draco grinning. "I want to show you all how manly and brave I am!"

"If it was my choice, I would've dared you to castrate yourself," said Luna loathingly. "Not that it would make a difference to how 'manly' you are already." Parvati stifled a giggle. Draco ignored her.

"I dare you to... to... to..." Hermione sighed. "You've already embarrassed yourself! How can I embarrass you further?"

"How about he make out with Harry in front of us?" suggested Seamus. "I'd love to see that."

"NO!" snarled Mary Sue and Ginny at the same time.

"No thanks," Harry declined politely.

"Hmm... I dare you to work as a house-elf for an _entire day_. A full _twenty-four hours_!"

Draco paled instantly, beads of sweat instantly rolled down the side of his forehead.

"You can't do that! You- you simply cannot do that! I am rich! I am not a filthy, lowly peasant, a slave! I refuse to allow myself to be treated as one on the account of a STUPID DARE! My father will see to it! My father will have you expelled and Dumbledore sacked if-"

"Your father can kiss my arse. I could kill him as EASILY as my father could. You'll do as you're told Malfoy," she said vehemently.

"That'd be precious all right," said Seamus, wiping away his tears of laughter on the front of his robes.

"You can finish the game, but start working straight away," instructed Hermione. Draco very reluctantly nodded.

"Right," said Draco, keen to keep the game moving (perhaps he was hoping the next person will suffer more than him). "Truth or dare Dean?"

"Dare," said Dean without hesitation.

"I dare you to-"

"I dare you to tell Seamus how hot he is!" cried Seamus excitedly.

"Hey! It's my turn, I get to choose the dare!" said Draco irritably.

"Sorry."

"I'd never say it anyway," said Dean. "I like _women_ and I don't care if Dumbledore expels me. At least I can preserve my dignity."

"I dare you to-"

"I dare you to give Seamus a peck on the cheek," interrupted Seamus, bouncing on the balls of his feet. Draco scowled.

"It's _my turn_," he said through clenched teeth.

"Ok, ok, go on and dare him."

"I dare you to-"

"I dare you to pull your pants down for Seamus!"

"IT'S MY TURN DAMMIT! STOP INTERRUPTING ME OR I WILL CURSE YOUR BALLS OFF! MAYBE _THEN_ YOU WON'T BE OBSESSED WITH PHYSICAL LOVE!"

"Ok, ok, I won't interrupt again. No need to be so violent..." he replied hastily, shuddering at the thought of losing his manhood.

Draco cleared his throat. "I dare you to ask Madam Pomfrey on a date. Tell her you're in love with her and want her. Act really seductive, romantic or poetic."

"Hell no! I like women younger than me, younger and prettier and blonde..."

"Blonde? You dated me and I'm a red-head!" said Ginny. "Don't lie! You don't have a thing for blondes!"

"Yeah I do! Luna Lovegood!"

"I'm flattered," said Luna, "But uninterested in you. Sorry."

"This is beside the point! Dean, you've been dared so do it," said Parvati. "Or you'll be expelled."

"Fine," snapped Dean. Draco smirked and Jasmine sniggered.

"Madam Pomfrey! I'm hurt!" called Dean, glaring at Draco. Madam Pomfrey hurried out of her office.

"Who's hurt? Who's been hurt?" asked Madam Pomfrey briskly.

"I have," said Dean. "It's my heart. It's acting up."

"What do you mean 'acting up'?" she enquired, her eyes narrowed.

"It races at a thousand miles per hour whenever you arrive. You, standing beautiful and graceful before me, you standing there gazing at someone as unworthy as me. But I must ask you, will you go on a date with me?" asked Dean, as emotional as he could be, glaring at Draco all the while.

"Why can't he say this sort of stuff to ME?" muttered Seamus furiously.

"Why, yes, I will go on a date with you," said Madam Pomfrey after a shocked pause.

"You WILL WHAT?!" Dean, Draco, Seamus and Jasmine cried together.

"Well, I've never been with anyone and Dumbledore always gets Minerva or Gellert but I never get a crack at romance so-"

("Minerva and who?" asked Ron, looking confused but as usual, he was ignored.)

"It was a _joke_. A _dare_," exclaimed Dean. "I don't wanna be with an old lady like YOU! I love Luna Lovegood!"

"I don't love you," said Luna firmly.

"Well... since I really am _not_ loved, I, I think I'll leave now," she said quietly. She turned and walked back to her office. She did not once look back. When they heard her door slam shut, Luna rounded on him.

"You bastard! You know that if I don't get medical treatment anymore it's because you can't control your feelings and dragged ME into this mess!"

"I, I'm sorry-"

"Oh, you're _sorry_ are you? Well being _sorry_ isn't going to help me or her!"

"What do you want me to do?"

"Go back to her and take her on that bloody date or I WILL put on you the girls dating blacklist," she hissed.

"Who'd listen to Loony about bad guys to date?" snorted Lavender and Parvati giggled. Luna ignored the pair of them.

"Ok, ok, All right!" and he shuffled into Madam Pomfrey's office. Mere moments later, Dean yelped and sprinted out of the office and through the Hospital Wing door with his arms flailing uselessly at his sides while enchanted bats chased after him. They could hear his yelling even when he reached the floor below.

"Well, since Dean isn't here, I'll choose someone," said Maron Sue. "I haven't had a go yet. I choose Pansy Parkinson. Truth or dare?"

"Truth," said Pansy "There's no way I'm stupid enough to choose dare."

"All right. Now tell me, is it true you stalked Draco Malfoy for a year before he asked you out?"

Pansy looked away. "Of course not. Don't be silly."

"Isn't it true you kept a diary of everything he did, every single thing, for an entire year?"

"No," she said firmly, still not meeting Maron Sue's eyes.

"I know you're lying," said Maron Sue. "Because I have the diary _right here_." She lifted a small book covered in neon pink leather. On the very front of the book, stamped in black ink, was _Draco's Life: An Accurate Documentation_. Pansy went bone white while Draco looked too shocked (or too thrilled) to speak.

"Where did you get that?" she asked in quiet, deadly desperation. Maron Sue smiled.

"Nicked it from your dormitory."

"You had no right!"

"Pssshhh, like I care. Well anyways, it's your turn to pick someone."

"Ok, then I pick you Maron Sue! Truth or dare?"

Maron Sue sighed. "Dare."

Pansy pulled a thoughtful, mocking expression. "I dare you... I dare you to make love to a complete stranger. Pick an address out of this book (she offered her a small black book), summon him or_ her_ here and take the lucky person upstairs, then do it."

"Are you out of your mind?! Kami will NEVER forgive me for cheating on my darling Ron-"

"I would. I would forgive you no matter what," said Ron and he hugged Maron Sue. It was perhaps their sappiest moment yet, the way they gazed into each other's eyes- it was full of tender, sickening love. Pansy cleared her throat. _Ahem_.

"Fine then, just... just stop looking at each other or get a room. I dare you to tell me I am the most stunning princess and that I am far prettier than you."

"That's the biggest lie I've EVER heard," said Snape. "Harriet Elizabeth Marie Lily is far lovelier." Harriet Elizabeth Marie Lily and Gary Sue did not hear this- their lips were too busy.

"Urgh, that's disgusting," said Hermione, looking away.

"Fine," snapped Maron Sue "But honestly, if you need _me_ to tell you this on a dare, you must have really low self-esteem." With what looked like an enormous effort from the painful grimace on her perfect face, she mumbled "You are the loveliest princess I've ever seen and far prettier than me." Her tone was dull and emotionless. Pansy's pug-like smile looked too big for her face.

"Say it like you mean it."

"No! I did what you asked now it's my turn to choose someone!"

"You already chose Pansy!" said Parvati indignantly. "Let me choose!"

"Let it go," Ron advised Parvati. "Maron Sue is the most lovely, persuasive woman in the universe. You can't win against a charming, exotic lady like her."

"I choose you Parvati," said Maron Sue. "Truth or-"

"Truth," she said firmly.

"Is it true you believe Ron is a bad match for Lavender?"

Lavender froze and raised her eyebrows at Maron Sue as if she'd gone mad. This is her _best friend_ she's trying to get answers from! Surely she'd side with Lavender! Parvati hesitated.

"Yes."

Lavender stiffened at this, then suddenly lunged at her best friend, seized the front of Parvati's robes and shook her hard.

"YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE MY BEST FRIEND! DON'T YOU CARE ABOUT ME?!"

"I do care! But that douche is in love with a Sue. And Sue's are hard to break up with and I doubt they'll ever let go of each other," said Parvati firmly. "Get over him. He's not worth it."

"I can't believe this. I can't believe you would do this to me!" Lavender began to cry, wailing loudly, as if hoping her tears would soften Parvati up. Unfortunately for her, this was not the case.

"Harriet Elizabeth Marie, truth or dare?"

"Dare," said Harriet Elizabeth Marie Lily.

"I dare you to..." Lavender leaned towards her, and whispered something in Harriet Elizabeth Marie Lily's ear so only she could hear. When she finished, Harriet Elizabeth Marie Lily turned so white Harry thought she was going to faint. Her lower lip trembled, her hands were shaking and her beautiful hazel eyes were tearing up.

"I am _s-s-so_ sorry Harry... but," she took a deep breath. Her eyes were all of a sudden blazing and she looked so fiercely Harry that he nearly wet himself. "YOU'RE A SON OF A BANSHEE, YOU STUPID CAULDRON BUM! I HATE LITTLE MOTHERFUCKING DRAGON BOGIES LIKE YOU! YOU'RE WORSE THAN VOLDEMORTS NIPPLE, YOU SWISHING AND FLICKERING IDIOT! YOU'RE A DUMBASS BROOM-FACE! I HATE YOU!" She took another deep breath and when she looked at Harry, her face showed nothing but severe remorse for what she had done and she began to cry earnestly. "H-Harry... I am _so_, _so_ sorry... you truly have no idea how sorry I am..."

"Y-you... you called me a c-cauldron bum. Y-you said I'm worse than Voldemorts n-nipple. You s-s-said I'm a broom-face." Harry shed one, single, glistening tear. He looked so shocked, Ron unwillingly left Maron Sue's side to stand behind Harry in case he was going to faint.

"H-Harry? Can you forgive me?" Harriet Elizabeth Marie scrutinized him.

Harry did not answer but it was clear that hearing his own beloved, long-lost sister say these things was a huge blow. Finally, he nodded. Harriet Elizabeth Marie Lily smiled, seized Harry and pulled him into a bear hug. They stood holding each other for a few precious moments.

"All right, all right! Sentimental time is over, let's get this going again," said Voldemort loudly. "I still want to kill you all and if we don't wrap this game up NOW, I'll never get to move my secret, super-evil army over here today!"

"My apologies," said Harry dully.

"Harriet Elizabeth Marie Lily, it's your turn to dare someone," said Voldy. "Now, as your father, I order you to dare me. I want to be out of here and fetch my army so you can get a chance to meet my minions. It'll be a cozy gathering won't it?"

"Ok, _dad_. I dare you ballroom dance with Dumbledore."

"WHAT?! I do not _dance_! Especially not with old gay men! Isn't that pedophilia?"

"Oh come on, it'll be fun. The sooner you do it, the sooner you can summon that super secret evil army you've been _dying_ to show us.

"Oh all right. But we have no music! I will NOT dance without music!"

"I have my I-pod," Hermione volunteered brightly, waving it over her head.

"And... I have speakers for some reason... it's like they appeared out of nowhere," said Ginny. Hermione and Ginny grinned at each other and set up the equipment.

"Oh all right! But make it quick," snapped Voldy.

Everyone made room in the center of the room. Dumbledore glided into the floor, smiling serenely at Voldy. "Ready?" he asked courteously.

"Never will be. Let's get it over with." He finished with a disgusted glance at Harriet Elizabeth Marie Lily, who waved back cheerfully.

Dumbledore bowed to Voldy, who inclined his head in an attempt to respect his partner. Voldy placed one hand on Dumbledore's waist and Dumbledore smiled again. Then the pair of them began to waltz around the room. Draco looked quite pissed that Harry would probably refuse to dance and at the same time, waiting on tenterhooks as if hoping this dare would turn into free gay porn.

Ginny turned on the music and quickly, the disgustingly romantic melody of Beauty and the Beast filled the Hospital Wing. All the while, Voldemort was muttering "This can't be happening, this can't be happening..."

Dumbledore seemed to be enjoying himself. "He said to Voldy "I must say, for someone who doesn't dance, you're very light on your feet."

Seamus sniggered at that remark. "If Voldy is the beast, does that mean Dumbledore is his Beauty?"

Voldemort merely glared at Seamus, then muttered a stream of curses under his breath.

"Oh come now Tom, mind your language and lighten up," said Dumbledore amiably, ignoring Voldy's anger. "I daresay, dancing like this makes me feel young again!" Voldy twirled Dumbledore and then pulled him back so that Voldy and Dumbledore were quite close. Dumbledore giggled.

The pair danced and danced until the song finally ended. Voldemort immediately dropped Dumbledore's hand and snatched his hand from his waist. He jumped back, hissing like an angry snake. Ron wolf-whistled while Seamus and Draco cheered. "BE PROUD OF GAY LOVE!"

"I am OUT OF HERE!" shrieked Voldy and he fled the room. Dumbledore smiled.

"Wait dad! You have to dare someone now!" called Harriet Elizabeth Marie Lily but he already vanished. She looked at Dumbledore and grinned. "That was brilliant Professor! You really scared Voldy!"

"I must say, acting stereotypically gay was fun wasn't it? Voldy must feel really idiotic."

Snape blanched. "You... you _PLANNED_ this Headmaster?!"

"Of course, I've been planning this scheme for a while. I really wanted to intimidate him."

"Sexually?" inquired McGonagall who looked a bit nauseated.

"Yes. That's why I lied and told him you're his kids. To freak him out." Harry looked nothing short of relieved and then looked indignantly at Harriet Elizabeth Marie Lily to Dumbledore.

"Why didn't you tell me?" he asked calmly.

"The fewer who knew, the better," his sister replied.

"That means I can be your lover!" squealed Jasmine. Ginny and Mary Sue stared at her with disgust.

"You're an amazing prankster," said Ginny sincerely.

"Headmaster, you're probably better than Fred and George," said Mary Sue, evidently sucking up to Dumbledore.

"Hey, someone has to dare Harry!" said Ginny. Mary Sue nodded.

"I'll do it!" said Draco eagerly. Mary Sue scowled.

"You can't ask him to have sex with you."

"Fine..." said Draco grudgingly.

"I have an idea!" cried Hermione. She whispered it to Dumbledore who nodded and smirked.

"Harry, I dare you to join the Hogwarts General Art's Club!"

* * *

Hey people! I am SO SORRY for the delay! VERY sorry! I've been pretty much drowning in homework and I've finally had the chance to update. I hope the fact that this chapter is quite long will make up for the wait. Huge thanks to FanimeScribbler as usual for being awesome! Thank you reviewers- you've really motivated me to write this all. I hope you enjoyed the story, I will be writing a next chapter but I'm not sure when I'll be posting (school is a very busy, time-consuming thing but you already know that). Remember to read and review because hearing from you all makes me feel good :) I truly appreciate the time you take to post comments. On my profile, I've posted the link to the song "Beauty an the Beast" so you can visualise Voldy's dancing situation.

Thanks again,

-the Chocofreakazoid


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer:** I don't own HP or Romeo and Juliet. (No, you don't need to have read Shakespeares R&J)

Things to know:  
-Romeo was in love with a girl called Rosaline, who he soon forgot about after meeting Juliet  
-This guy called Paris was in love with Juliet  
-Romeo and Juliet got married and spent their wedding night together  
-"Maidenhead" is Shakespearean for "virginity"

Yeah, that's all you need to know to understand the story :)

* * *

**Chapter Four**

"Are you kidding?" asked Harry, looking mildly incredulous. Hermione shook her head.

"You're always so... mild. You're a push over. Too polite. You've got no personality anymore. Expressing yourself is what you really need and art is the perfect remedy." Dumbledore nodded in agreement. Mary Sue, Jasmine, Draco and Ginny fired up.

"He's perfect the way he is!" they shouted together. Then the three girls and Draco glared at each other. Harry looked slightly surprised; it had just occurred to him that he had four lovers to choose from. Well, technically three since he isn't homosexual and therefore will never have feelings for Draco Malfoy.

"So many things are going to happen. They're going to be holding auditions for _Romeo and Juliet_ as well as Hogwarts Idol. It'll be fun. In fact, we should all join!" Hermione said in a overly cheerful voice – obviously trying to motivate any kind of enthusiasm into the infuriating mild Harry.

"Hermione, the play is actually called _Romayo and Gulietta_," said Luna suddenly.

"No it isn't!" said Hermione indignantly. I've read the play about a hundred times and there aren't any characters called Romayo or Gulietta."

"My daddy recently wrote an article about how Shakespeare ripped of the story from his great-great-great-great-great-great uncle, Meonardo Dehcrapio, who was an actor in the '96 film _Romayo and Gulietta_," Luna announced.

"That's funny considering Shakespeare has been DEAD for the last three hundred years!"

"Oh really? Oh well, forget about it then. On with the drama!"

"Do I really have to join a drama club?" asked Harry looking rather exasperated. "Do I really, really have to?"

"Why don't you be Romeo?" suggested Hermione, ignoring Harry's protests. Gary Sue stared at her indignantly.

"_I_ should be Romeo. I'm certainly sexy enough."

Hermione looked over the perfect contours of Gary Sue's body admiringly before shaking her head somewhat reluctantly. "Romeo is sixteen. You have the body of a really hot twenty-year-old. It wouldn't work."

"It's not fair!" Gary Sue raged (in a very, very sexy way). "That idiot author is out to get me. She despises my unbearable perfection! She has sentenced me to a miserable life without any prospect or hope of bettering myself. Why, author? WHY ME?! WHY MAKE ME MISERABLE? WHY TAKE AWAY EVERY GOOD THING IN LIFE?! LIFE ISN'T FAIR!"

"You're the most gorgeous angel-man alive, not to mention brave, smart, strong and could overpower even the famous Harry Potter! You're a fucking chick magnet. I suppose gay people might like you if they could tolerate your conceitedness. Oh, and Dumbledore loves you! How much better can life get?!" demanded Draco, wearing a very ugly look on his face. He was nothing short of jealous.

"I should be Juliet if Harry is Romeo," said Mary Sue, completely ignoring the Draco and Gary Sue. She twisted a lock of her blonde hair around her finger while she admired her image in a hand mirror which she pulled out from nowhere. "I'm certainly beautiful enough."

"You can be Romeo's other object of love, Rosaline. You know, the one Romeo gave up on. I'm going to be Juliet," said Ginny smugly, who turned smouldering eyes on the bewildered Harry. "I know he'll choose me in the end."

"Urgh, I've got stronger ties to Harry than either of you two," sniffed Jasmine, suddenly clutching onto Harry's arm. "I'm perfect for Juliet."

"Um, could you please-" Harry started but he was cut off by Mary Sue.

"Oh, please. As if Harry would choose you two when I'm here," she said disdainfully.

"Bah. I have way more sex appeal that you ever could, you dumb blonde," Ginny said with a toss of her red hair. Mary Sue's face was a mix of outrage and astonishment at the fact that anybody had dared to use a blonde insult against her.

"Besides, Harry is already madly in love with me – aren't you?" Ginny asked seductively as she snuggled up on Harry's other side.

"Er, yeah, but could you-"

"Get yourself off of Harry, you slut!" Jasmine snapped at Ginny. Ginny glared back at her.

"You're one to talk, you whore!"

"Both of you, stop thinking that you have a chance against _my _perfection-"

"Shut up, you Barbie wanna-be-"

"You are so obviously jealous of my beauty-"

"Puh-leeze, like I would be jealous of you when Harry obviously likes-"

"GET OFF ME ALREADY!" Harry roared. Everyone stared in shock. Even Harry seemed surprised at himself.

"Boy, that felt good," he said in a surprised tone.

Hermione cleared her throat awkwardly. "We still haven`t decided who will be Juliet."

"I want to be Juliet!" Draco burst out. Harry started while Mary Sue, Ginny and Jasmine glared at him. Hermione merely shook her head.

"In case you've forgotten, Romeo loved _women_. Sorry to burst your bubble Draco but you're even more ill suited for the part than Gary Sue is for Romeo."

"Thanks," said Gary Sue sourly while Harriet Elizabeth Marie Lily murmured to him comfortingly.

"Hey, can I be Romeo?" asked Neville. It was the first time he'd drawn attention to himself for hours. Several people blinked in astonishment that he was still present in the fanfic. "Luna can be Juliet. Then no one will fight."

"No thanks, I refuse to be Gulietta," said Luna firmly. Hermione rolled her eyes but didn't bother to correct her. Perhaps she knew it was a complete waste of time.

"Wait a minute...if I can`t be Romeo, can I be Paris then? Juliet's scorned lover who was absolutely perfect?" asked Gary Sue eagerly. "I'd make a really sexy Paris and Juliet will regret going after stupid Romeo! For some reason, the guy who plays Paris is never that good-looking... then again, I AM the competition!"

"Hmm... well, Paris is really old so I guess that could work," said Hermione thoughtfully. There was a sudden hush. Hermione glanced questioningly at Gary Sue, who appeared quite devastated.

"D-did you call me _old_?" cried Gary Sue, as if he'd never heard the word before. Mary Sue and Maron Sue smirked at each other. Harriet Elizabeth Marie Lily looked worried.

"Erm, I mean, compared to Juliet, you are old... nonetheless hot of course," Hermione added hastily, but the damage had been done.

"My... my worst fear has been realized! Chicks think I'm rugged and sexy... and find me attractive because they think I'm OLD?!"

"Finally, someone knocked some sense into this flawed, _imperfect_ man," shrieked Mary Sue gleefully.

"AT LAST! A WEAKNESS!" cried Draco delightedly. "I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR A MILLION AND SIX SECONDS FOR THIS WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL MOMENT! SWEET SUCCESS! VICTORY IS BOUND TO BE MINE! ALL MINE! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Aww honey, _I_ don't think you look old," cooed Harriet Elizabeth Marie Lily. "You possess charm, talent and fire in your eyes that will never die!"

"Look on the bright side, Gary Sue," said Neville. "You're aging quite well for someone who's lived as long as you have." Seamus, Dean, Draco and Ron sniggered nastily. Harry stared blankly off into space, probably wondering if the play was still on.

"No, no, no!" Gary Sue shook his head frantically; his (very, very sexy) tenor voice edged towards hysteria. "I'm NOT old! WOMEN LOVE MY YOUTH AND SEXINESS! NOT MY RUGGED, AGING QUALITIES! HARRIET ELIZABETH MARIE LILY PROVED THAT TO YOU, YOU SICK, EVIL BASTARDS!"

"Hey, think about it, Gary Sue. You're not as old as I am," said Dumbledore cheerfully. "I turned one hundred and thirteen last month."

"And your good looks stole the love of my life," Snape added dully. He had been sitting moodily in a corner, still brooding over his break-up with Hermione and Harriet Elizabeth Marie Lily's rejection. "It's left me heartbroken. Again."

"Can we get back to the play?" Lavender was on her feet. "I want to be Juliet. I want to be able to stroke Romeo's soft red hair, place my hand on one of his soft, freckled cheeks, stare deeply into those innocent, (Ginny snorted), loving blue eyes and feel his warm lips pressed against my throat."

"If Ronald is Romeo, it is only fitting that I am Juliet," Maron Sue stated.

"Juliet isn't pregnant!" retorted Lavender.

"She has a point..." agreed Hermione, looking uncertainly at the two girls.

"Hey! Romeo DID spend his wedding night with Juliet... who knows what naughty things they might've done together, alone in that soft, luxurious bed they shared for one romantic night. Who knows what else they did besides touching and kissing and humping..." Ron trailed off with a mischievous grin, his dirty mind creating a mental image of what exactly 'they might've done'. "Who knows? Maybe Juliet was pregnant and didn't even know it."

"She didn't look pregnant," retorted Lavender. She folded her arms.

"Yeah, Romayo and Gulietta spent the night playing checkers," added Luna. "They were too young to do it and they knew that it wasn't safe because of their sex-education classes. And it was too suspicious to go out to the drug store to buy protection anyway."

"'Romayo' reminds me of mayonnaise," said Seamus, massaging his growling stomach. "Now I'm hungry."

"I want a sandwich," whined Draco. "Fetch me one instantly, Finnegan!"

"Go to hell! And buy a sandwich on your way there," snapped Seamus. "There's no way I'm getting _you_ anything!"

"Can we get back to the task on hand?! _I_ will decide who plays what part and my decision will be final! Harry, you play Romeo, Gary Sue plays Paris, Mary Sue is Rosaline and I will be Juliet!" Hermione glared at everyone, as if daring them to argue with her.

"YOU?! Why should YOU be Juliet?!" shrieked Mary Sue.

"Why... why are you stealing Harry from me?" A single tear rolled down Ginny's cheek.

"Mary Sue, you have a part- Rosaline. You're the beautiful woman Romeo couldn't have. You get to be viewed as beautiful, perfect and stunning. Ginny, I'm not _stealing_ him; I just want the casting to get over with."

"And what's the use of a parody if the stupid author doesn't even mention one of the most popular non-canon pairings in our world?" added Gary Sue.

"Ok, ok..." sighed Ginny reluctantly. "But if you make a move on him, I will kick your sorry ass, you hear?"

"Well, when you put it _that way_... being Rosaline doesn't sound bad at all," said Mary Sue, relishing the idea of playing the role of a perfect woman.

"Why can't I be Rosaline then?" said Jasmine with narrowed eyes. Hermione sighed.

"Trust me, you don't want to," she whispered while Mary Sue wasn't paying any attention. Jasmine still was unconvinced and opened her mouth to argue but then Hermione raised her voice, addressing everyone.

"It's settled," she said, who looked tremendously pleased to have sorted that out. "Ok, so I want you three to get into costume. Dumbledore- you're the director. Harriet Elizabeth Marie Lily is handling make-up. Draco and Seamus are taking care of the set and the rest of you can be extras. Everyone is to meet up in the Great Hall as soon as they are finished!"

With that said, everyone departed the Hospital Wing ("FINALLY!" thought Madam Pomfrey) and began to work.

***

"Could I change into something else? I feel ridiculous," sighed Harry, who looked as unhappy as an expressionless person could look. He was dressed in a richly embroidered navy blue tunic and breeches. His hair, which simply could not be tamed, was tucked under an old-fashioned hat.

"No," said Ginny at once who, like some of the extras, was dressed in simple peasant-wear. "You look really handsome and Hermione will kill you if you don't stay wearing it."

"Get over here so I can do your make-up," hissed Harriet Elizabeth Marie Lily.

"I'm ready!" Gary Sue marched out imperiously, in a rather ugly striped red and green tunic. Though he was a dashing man with great charm and good looks, his attire made him seem more like a court jester than Juliet's suitor.

"You look lovely, darling!" Harriet Elizabeth Marie Lily lied, after a shocked pause. Gary Sue noticed nothing- he was too pleased with the compliment and the expressions of horror which he clearly misinterpreted for jealous or stunned.

"Better than Romeo himself," Gary Sue agreed, throwing out his chest. He appeared in a much better mood now than he was previously- perhaps his costume made him feel younger and more like Prince Charming. Ron coughed sceptically, but very quietly. Maron Sue giggled.

"Urgh, Granger couldn't have chosen a worse colour for a dress! I look like the most cliché princess ever instead of fair Rosaline, the object of Romeo's affection!" Mary Sue complained loudly as she appeared, carrying the skirts of an enormous and ridiculously frilly bright pink gown. The sleeves were short and puffy and she wore white silk gloves that reached just past her elbows. Her long, golden blonde hair had been piled on top of her head in a rather unflattering fashion.

"That's really tacky," Maron Sue commented, a gleeful grin playing about her beautiful, full lips.

"I have to say, she was right about me not wanting to be Rosaline," murmured Jasmine, suddenly nothing but thankful for Hermione`s choice of roles.

"I'd like to see you wear this hideous nightmare of a dress and still look as fabulous as me," hissed Mary Sue. "This _thing_ is tight, stiff and extremely uncomfortable. Not only that, but it's accompanied with a matching parasol!" She whipped the parasol out and brandished it at Jasmine like a Queen. "At least _I_ don't look like a clown," she added maliciously, sniggering at Gary Sue, whose make-up was being done by Harriet Elizabeth Marie Lily. They ignored her.

"Ok, so everyone is here except Juliet. What the hell is taking her so long?" said Snape testily, glancing at his watch.

"Don't be impatient Severus," said Dumbledore, smiling serenely and staring off into space.

"The set's ready!" Seamus and Draco approached, both rather sweaty and exhausted. Due to their lack of skill in magic for artistic purposes, they had to slave through this using normal means.

"Damn, where the heck is Dean?! He could have helped us!" whined Seamus. "And I miss him! Being away from him makes me anxious and sad!"

"Last I heard, he was still being chased by bats," said Snape unconcernedly.

"Hey, what happened to Bellatrix and Cho?" Harry peered curiously around the room.

"I dunno, it's like they disappeared..." said Ron mysteriously. "Maybe it's _magic_." He wore a very dark, all-knowing expression on his face- the kind that appears on an important characters face when a story is drawing close to the climax. Ginny rolled her eyes.

"I'm ready!" Hermione's voice rang clearly through the loud chatter of those who were bored of waiting around, doing nothing. This was one of those Cinderella moments where a beautiful young woman would walk in, causing all the men to stare with incredulity and lust in their greedy little eyes while all the other girls stared at her with cold hard jealousy.

Hermione looked absolutely sensation in a long flowing gown of deep green. The bodice was intricately embroidered with gold thread. The sleeves were long, loose and extended towards the tips of her fingers. Her hair was straight and hung loose on her shoulders. Under normal circumstances, Mary Sue would have been ranked the prettiest but at this moment in time, Hermione has surpassed her.

Ron and Snape both stared at her with awe, much to Maron Sue's and Lavender's displeasure. In fact, Ron was actually _drooling_.

"That's not fair! Why should _she_ get to dress better than me! I'm Rosaline!" Mary Sue pouted and folded her arms, her nose stuck in the air.

"I'm Juliet. I'm Romeo's soul mate! It's more important for me to dress like this," replied Hermione matter-of-factly

"And you were able to succeed in ruining Mary Sue's acting career," Ginny added gleefully. Maron Sue's and Jasmine's gleeful smiles broadened.

"Quiet on the set," said Dumbledore cheerfully. "Now, we're going to start off with Romeo and Rosaline on the set. Parvati, hand out the scripts!" Wordlessly, she handed Harry, Gary Sue and Hermione each a thin booklet. Mary Sue reached for one of the books but Parvati simply ignored her and walked back to Dumbledore.

"Um, where's _my_ script?" Mary Sue smiled a dangerously sweet smile.

"Didn't anyone tell you?" asked Dumbledore, his silvery eyebrows raised.

"Tell me _what_ exactly?" she shot back, still maintaining her falsely sugary tone.

"Ms. Granger was supposed to inform you that Rosaline has no lines- she's just Romeo's desire. The prize he can't win over no matter how charming and romantic he is towards her. She just stands around all pretty while Romeo mopes around."

"Oh, it must've slipped my mind, so sorry" said Hermione, matching Mary Sue's infuriating tone. A golden halo appeared over top of Hermione's head while Mary Sue shook her angry firsts at her.

"So I have to stand around and do NOTHING?!"

"Technically, you have a job," said Hermione calmly. "All you have to do is stand there and act all seductive and at the same time, act like a total ice queen who doesn't care about Romeo."

"YOU WANT TO MAKE ME SEEM LIKE A HEARTLESS BITCH?!"

"You already are one; it's not hard to be yourself," Ginny remarked coldly.

"Ok, enough arguing. Mary Sue, please stand over there," Dumbledore instructed, pointing to a small black 'X' on the floor. "Harry, you stand a few feet away from her. All extra's dressed in party wear scatter yourself so you seem to be partying but make sure Mary Sue and Harry are a bit parted from the rest of you." Harry, Mary Sue, Neville, Luna, Jasmine, Seamus, and Draco took their places.

"Now Mary Sue, your role is very simple. All you do is preen and make sexy inviting gestures at Harry while he recites his lines." Mary Sue still looked upset but for once, did not argue. Mary Sue swayed her hips from side to side, rotating so that Harry could see every angle of her body. She posed like a model, placing one gloved had on her hip and the other on the side of her head. She held up a pink fan to her face and waved it- perhaps she was implying how hot it was getting with Harry nearby. Ginny giggled- Mary Sue had never looked more ridiculous.

"Um, thou art too beautiful... um, what does that say?" Harry held up his script. The writing was clearly hand-written, in the most untidy scrawl anyone had ever seen and almost totally illegible. Mary Sue snatched the script away and stared at it, her forehead creased in concentration.

"You're right Harry, this is awful! Hermione, for someone who's supposedly smart and everything, you've got terrible handwriting." Mary Sue waved it above her head. Hermione ripped it way from Mary Sue, took one look and frowned.

"This isn't MY handwriting. Ronald obviously wrote it!"

"Who the hell put Ron in charge of the script?!" said Jasmine. "He's too much an idiot to handle something so important!"

"Hey!" said Ron indignantly. Maron Sue put her arms around his shoulders comfortingly. Seamus blushed.

"He's very poetic and really amazing at wooing men- ahem- _people_... so I thought maybe..."

"Ron, get your butt over here and decipher this mess," said Hermione commandingly. Ron obeyed without hesitation or even a retort- something Maron Sue did not fail to notice. Her eyes narrowed suspiciously.

"It says 'Thou art too beautiful for thy clothes. Methinks I should rip them off you so thou can live up to thy potential beauty. I love thee too much to let someone else take thy maidenhead.'" Ron handed the script back proudly.

("What's a maidenhead?" whispered Harry to Ginny.

"Knowing Ron... it's probably something sex-related," Ginny muttered from corner of her mouth.")

"That's not how the story goes!" snapped Hermione. "And you suck at writing so why the fuck would you even try?! Dear Gawd, I guess I have to re-write the script-"

"Why not start the balcony scene?" Ginny suggested. "We can always improvise- work on the actual acting and stuff. No offense, but you suck at acting Harry."

"None taken... I didn't exactly sign up for this," he sighed exasperatedly.

"Yeah, and I don't like watching Mary Sue trying to seduce Harry," chipped in Draco. "If she were any more provocative, I'd swear this whole drama thing turned into a really bad porno."

"Oh yeah, that's what I'm talking about," said Ron eagerly, rubbing the palms of hands together excitedly. Ginny punched his jaw. "He's talking figuratively you douche!"

"Oh," said Ron disappointedly, rubbing his jaw which now sported a purplish bruise.

"All right then," said Dumbledore from his chair. "Start improvising."

"You're not much of a director," Parvati observed.

"Meh, I like to watch them argue. It's fun and funny," Dumbledore shrugged.

"Um... so what do I say?" asked Harry.

"I start first," said Hermione. "You just say whatever sounds romantic and loving, ok?"

"I suppose..." said Harry reluctantly.

"Romeo! Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?" Hermione cried dramatically, placing her hand on her forehead. Each word was overly-emphasized and the expression of helplessness on her face was priceless.

"Right in front of you, no duh!" Luna interrupted, just as Harry was about to mumble something. "Honestly, woman, don't make Juliet seem totally blind!"

"Gawd..."

"Luna, why don't you come join me over here," suggested Dumbledore. Hermione's eyes lit up- anything or anyone who could keep Luna distracted was like Gawd's gift to her.

"No way! I'm having fun over here," said Luna. Hermione was now shaking with fury.

"UGH, I GIVE UP! NONE OF YOU ARE BEING SERIOUS! IT'S JUST ONE PROBLEM AFTER ANOTHER" screamed Hermione and she stormed out of the Great Hall. Snape ran off after her and judging by the look on Ron's face, it looked like he desperately wanted to too.

"If the play is off... does this mean I can change my clothes now?" asked Harry blankly.

"The author truly hates me..." sniffed Gary Sue. "I didn't even get a chance to test out my awesome acting skills... and I got into costume and everything too..."

"So what now?" Harriet Elizabeth Marie Lily folded her arms.

"I propose that we..." Dumbledore started but at that exact moment, the slightly eccentric author abruptly stopped writing this random tale. Probably to make you all sigh in frustration and shake your angry fists in her direction. Oh well, tune in for the next chapter if you can handle this messed up parody!

* * *

Hey people!!! I've missed posting chapters for you guys- I've been super busy. Anyways, sorry it took so long. I hope you enjoyed the chapter and I apologize if it isn't as good as the previous chapter (had a case of the Writer's Block so this chapter was hard to write). As always, I'm staying true to my word and planning another chapter as you read this! Huge thanks to FanimeScribbler as usual! In case you're wondering, this chapter was inspired when I was studying Romeo and Juliet in english class. There actually is a 96 film staring Leonardo DiCaprio (not Meonardo Decrapio, lol). Oh, can anyone guess who Mary Sue is supposed to resemble while wearing that hideous dress? Haha, it's PRINCESS PEACH, from Mario :) To anyone who isn't familiar with her, I posted a link to a picture of her XD. Thanks for reading! As always, I implore you to review because I LOVE feedback :)

Thanks again,

-the Chocofreakazoid


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